Ok - well, this is a little bit like holding a snake by the tail. You are fine until you drop it, at which point it turns around and bites you.
Ask yourself where she can hurt you the most: lying to your friends about you, coming to your place of work or your home, destroying your property, threatening your family, etc. Assume she is going to do anything she CAN do to injure you, and then take precautions to make sure that it can't happen, or, if it does happen, that the damage is minimized.
Do NOT trust her good nature because she doesn't have one.
Try to make it not her fault when you break up with her. Tell her you have decided you really are gay but would like to stay friends or something like that if you think it will work.
Also, make sure to break up with her in a public place with a lot of people around. That way, if you get assaulted, you will have many people witness it and they may help you. At minimum, if you get accused of assaulting her, you have a lot of people to say you didn't do it.
Remember that people with this disorder can and will hurt you in any way they can if they decide you are one of the "bad people" and it doesn't take much for them to decide this. They are exceedingly dangerous to everyone around them, and almost completely unpredictable, although when they don't get what they want that usually (but not always) sets them off. They cannot be treated.
I don't much give a damn about uncredentialed people rendering opinions on this subject. This is what I do for a living, I'm a professional, and my opinion counts a lot more than the Marsha Linehan groupies.
In the future - try to avoid people that seem too overtly friendly or available in the beginning. This is a good hard sign of BPD.
You explain to her what your issues are, that you can't cope with said issues, that you're not sure she can change those issues, so you're freeing her to meet and date new people. The whole “It's not you, it's me” will not work. Yes she will be devastated. Yes you're stepping on a landmine. No I don't envy you at this task. Whatever you do, make sure she understands you're not leaving her for someone else, that it's a fundamental relationship issue, and deal with the backlash of hurting her feelings which can make her project all bad on you. If you've weathered her projection of fury before, you'll do fine handling it one last time. Good luck, be safe
BPD is an extremely complex disorder, and its difficult to tell how someone will respond to anything, so with break ups I would definitely suggest reaching out to someone who she can go to for emotional support (a friend, family member, therapist). Encourage her not to blame herself for anything, and tell her that it’s not her fault. Reach out to someone who she can talk to if you think shes going to hurt herself or someone else, and talk to them about your concerns and the situation, and make a plan with them to play it safe. Hopefully she has fair insight in regards to the disorder, if she does make sure to acknowledge that you understand her feelings. Don’t tell her you don’t have feelings for her, this will be a major trigger. Just try to emphasize with her feelings, and make sure she has someone to go to for support.
If the person with BPD initiated the breakup, then they have already forgotten the other person and moved on. That is because the partner has already been Devalued and is now viewed as always having been a terrible person who is not worth their time and whom they never really loved (the entire relationship is forgotten in an instant and replaced with a false narrative).
If the partner of the BPD initiates the breakup, then it feels worse than death because for the person with BPD, Fear of Abandonment is at the heart of the disorder, and now that fear is realized. There could be nothing worse.
Here is a summary of BPD i had created if you want to find out more about how BPD works. Hope it helps:
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a hereditary, genetic condition that significantly affects emotions, sense of self, memory and interpersonal relationships. Studies reveal extensive differences in brain structure and function. BPD is often triggered from the interplay of genetics with trauma during childhood. It is suspected that during early childhood, increased levels of cortisol caused by stress (trauma) permanently change the brain structure and function of those genetically predisposed to it (such as increased gray matter in the amygdala area, among other things), causing BPD. While there is no cure, BPD is very treatable with Dialectical Behavior Therapy that was specifically designed for people with BPD (by a person with BPD) and can give someone the tools to recognize and manage the symptoms.
BPD is a disorder of Dysregulation made up by Emotion Dysregulation (the core of BPD), as well as, Interpersonal, Identity, Behavioral, and Cognitive Dysregulation.
More specifically, BPD causes intense emotions that are difficult to control and manage (i.e. “Emotion Dysregulation”) including unreasonable Fear of Abandonment which is central to BPD. BPD is primarily noticed through interpersonal relationships (“Interpersonal Dysregulation”):
Persons with BPD (PBPD) feel all emotions intensely, therefore, when they like someone (either in friendship or romantically) PBPDs will love that person intensely. If the other person reciprocates then they will both be enmeshed in a very intense and personal relationship.
PBPDs see the world through Black and White Thinking. Themselves and others are viewed as either “good” or “bad”. There are very few gray areas, if any. For example, it is difficult for a PBPD to be angry at a loved one and recognize that - while the PBPD is angry at them - the PBPD still loves them. Conversely, if a loved one is angry at the PBPD then the PBPD will view either themselves or the loved one as “Bad”, because for them, someone who is “good” would never criticize or make them feel sad. Thinking is generally Black and White or Good vs Bad.
When a PBPD loves you, they will make you the center of their lives. This phase is called “Idealization” and the loved one is viewed as “all good”. PBPDs also feel intense fear of abandonment - and in order to avoid the possibility that a genuine loved one will abandon them - they will unconsciously suddenly start to hate (“Devalue”) their loved ones in a process called Splitting (which will also completely change their memories of such a person).
In addition to Fear of Abandonment, many PBPDs experience “Fear of Engulfment”. As mentioned above, close relationships for PBPDs are very emotionally intense, and because PBPDs are afraid that their loved ones will Abandon them, they are also afraid of getting very close to such loved ones in the first place. If you are in a close relationship with someone with BPD, it may feel like they are pulling you closer with one hand, while at the same time pushing you away with their other hand. BPD relationships are often a balancing act between Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Engulfment. It is due to those fears that Splitting and Devaluation occurs.
Splitting occurs primarily against those people PBPDs feel like “they cannot live without”. At the suspicion of real or imagined abandonment, suddenly (overnight), the loved one will be viewed as “all bad” and all their behaviors become suspect with malevolent ulterior motives. The entire relationship is completely forgotten and replaced with an alternate reality where the former loved one was always “all bad” and the two were never enmeshed in an intense, loving and personal relationship. This phase is called “Devaluation”. PBPDs also Devalue people they feel threatened by or who make them feel insecure.
It is important to note that BPD causes fragmentation of memory including, lack of object constancy, lack of whole object relations, “emotional amnesia” as well as outright False Memories (things that never quite happened, but feel as true to PBPDs as anything else). This peculiar problem with memory means that PBPDs only remember others based on their last encounter and continuously color the entire relationship based on each last encounter (i.e. they are unable to link the past with the present. Because of the lack of object constancy, they can only live in the present).
Because PBPDs memories are fragmented, it becomes exceedingly difficult to trust others. PBPDs experience difficulty intergrading what they know about someone into a cohesive image. It is not uncommon for PBPDs to believe that loved ones, will betray them at any moment. For reasons that are not yet fully understood, the PBPD’s mind cannot integrate a consistent perception of others based on past experience. The past cannot be integrated with the present. For a PBPD, given the opportunity, anyone may do anything, no matter how absurd under the circumstances or how out of character it would be. As such, PBPDs are unable to exhibit normal levels of trust.
PBPD memories are based on their present feelings and not the actual past (i.e. for PBPDs, their emotions and feelings dictate their reality, instead of facts.). A distorted view and understanding of reality is one of the major issues of BPD. Without treatment, PBPDs are generally unaware that their memories and perception of reality are distorted.
If a PBPD Devalues you, then you will be remembered as always having been an unworthy person who they don’t particularly like (even though up until yesterday you were the center on their lives and could do no wrong). Any attempt to remind an untreated PBPD of the past will cause them confusion and cognitive dissonance. Untreated PBPDs will ultimately rationalize their behavior even against overwhelming facts. For PBPDs, how they presently feel about something, makes it the absolute and only truth.
In short, when a PBPD loves someone intensely, the fear of abandonment will be so overwhelming and all-consuming that the mind, in order to protect itself from those overwhelming emotions, will suddenly “flip a switch” and cause to PBPD to suddenly feel nothing for loved one, hate them and lose all their memories of ever loving them. Sadly, unless treated, the effects of BPD on a PBPD can only be called tragic. There is a relevant and well-known quote by a certain Dr. Thomas Sydenham [ https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/2446506.Thomas_Sydenham ] that accurately describes the unfortunate effects that BPD has on the sufferers: “They love without measure those they will soon hate without reason”.
Once Devalued, the loved one will notice a very drastic, sudden change in the PBPD’s behavior towards them– the person who was extremely loving yesterday and the two of you were inseparable, now treats you like a persona non grata for no apparent reason while denying anything is different. The Devaluation phase completely erases the loving and close relationship. The PBPD will be unable to remember that they once had strong feelings for you.
For those close to a PBPD (such as close friends, life partners, family members etc.) it may feel as the PBPD has two personas, a Dr. Jekyll and a Mr. Hyde, where neither the Dr. Jekyll nor the Mr. Hyde persona is aware that the other persona exists. When the Mr. Hyde persona (i.e. the persona with BPD) comes out, the PBPD loses all recollection that the loved one is actually a genuine love one. Again, the loved one is instead viewed as having always been an unworthy and manipulative person who the PBPD never really cared for. From a loved one’s perspective, the two distinct personalities appear as two very different people (and they might as well be), each with their own separate memories and behaviors. In fact, the two personalities view reality itself very differently. It is important for loved ones to become familiar with the behaviors of each personality and know which personality they are dealing with at all times.
At the exact moment of Devaluation, PBPDs may start planning and implementing their exit strategy from the relationship (since they now hate/dislike the other person). The PBPD may unconsciously create a false and negative narrative regarding the former loved one, justifying any actions the PBPD takes. Typically, this involves a lot of rationalization as well as the elaborate manipulation and gaslighting of the former loved one that PBPDs are known for.
Rationalization, manipulation, distortions and gaslighting are not done consciously or with malice, but are simply the result of whatever the PBPD feels is true at the time. As mentioned previously, PBPD perception of reality is based on present feelings (and during Devaluation, they will believe, beyond any doubt, that the former loved one is a person with little to no worth).
This is as part of the famous “I hate you, don’t leave me” phase. In this phase the PBPD will be emotionally distant and very mean to the former loved one (“I hate you”), but at the same time, due to the Fear of Abandonment, they will also take steps to convince the former loved one not to disappear from their life (“don’t leave me”). Needless to say this is a very toxic phase. Alternatively, a PBPD may suddenly disappear from the former loved one’s life completely (they now want nothing to do with the devalued loved one) while the Fear of Abandonment may cause them reappear later.
It’s possible for the PBPD to slowly love the devalued person again (after all, the person they liked initially is still the same person), starting the cycle of idealization and devaluation all over again. Until the PBPD receives treatment, devaluation of loved ones is inevitable and at some point, this cycle will break into permanent devaluation.
To those familiar with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), this repeating cycle similar to the famous NPD cycle (popularly known as the “Idealization, Devaluation, Discard, Hoover” cycle), but it is rooted in completely different reasons (as explained above).
The Broccoli allegory:
A silly, but easy to explain way of how BPD works in relationships is this following allegory involving delicious broccoli: Imagine that you really like broccoli, and you want it to be a healthy part of your life. If you have BPD, the disorder will cause you to fear that broccoli will disappear from your life forever and you will no longer be able to have it: “I am sure the broccoli market will collapse and I will not longer be able to get it from anywhere!” The fear is overwhelming and you start to hate and devalue broccoli rather than lose it: “You know what? I never really liked broccoli and I don’t care if I will not be able to have it in the future anymore. It tastes terrible and I am sure it’s bad for me. I want nothing to do with broccoli and I am cutting out of my life.”
BPD will also cause you to forget that you ever liked broccoli, and create false memories and false rationalizations of the past: “Why was I eating broccoli until now? I am sure there is a reason. Maybe I was eating broccoli because my roommate always brought some home, and I only ate broccoli because I used it with that sauce that I like. I only liked the sauce, not the broccoli! Yeah, I am sure that was the only reason. After all, broccoli sucks and I would never genuine like it. In fact, now that I think about it, I was not really eating broccoli all that often anyways, and the very few times I was, I certainly never cared for it”.
Then, you may stop eating broccoli altogether: “Good thing I no longer have to deal with that disgusting broccoli”. With that said, fear of abandonment is central to BPD and it does not go away: “Maybe I should not cut broccoli completely out of my life. I think I will keep it around a bit - even though I certainly don’t like it and will treat it with the contempt it deserves”.
Then, because you actually like broccoli, you may start warming up to it again: “Oh hey, this broccoli does not taste bad! It really should be part of my life!”
At that point, the Cycle begins all over again until the circumstances are such that you permanently devalue broccoli forever (even though, if not for BPD, there would be no reasons you would not be enjoying broccoli for the rest of your life). Again, this allegory is a bit silly, but hopefully it makes a good point.
Another important aspect to remember which is common with many PBPDs is that the Black and White Thinking causes PBPDs to Project their own flaws or bad behaviors on others. This type of thinking is the reason why many PBPDs find it difficult to admit fault even against overwhelming evidence. For a PBPD, admitting fault in anything would, in the PBDP’s mind, mean that the he/she is “bad”. Therefore, the “bad” actions or behaviors are often Projected on others.
BPD may also cause “Unstable of a Sense of Self”. PBPDs find it difficult to form a coherent image of themselves and their likes/dislikes. As such, when PBPDs Idealize someone, they will often change their personality to match that person’s (as there are unsure of what their own personality is). This “chameleon effect” can occur both consciously and unconsciously. There are many stories of previously idealized persons, reconnecting with their PBPD former loved ones, and being very surprised that the PBPD now has a very different personality than the one they were familiar with.
There is also a distinction in behavior between Traditional and Quiet BPD. A person with “Traditional BPD” will express intense bouts of anger and rage towards the former loved one, while a person with “Quiet BPD” will simply become cold and distant. (Note: Quiet PBPDs experience the same intense anger as Traditional PBPDs, but instead of expressing those feelings outwards, they are internalized).
It is important to note that PBPD s Idealize and Devalue themselves as well as others. They may confident and proud in themselves one moment, but the next moment see themselves as terrible persons who do not deserve love, friendships or success in life.
BPD can cause a host of other symptoms, such as: Getting angry or upset very easily and finding it difficult to calm down (“Emotion Dysregulation”); unstable sense of self (due to the intense emotionality, PBPDs have a hard time knowing who they are or what they like and dislike) as well as strong feelings of emptiness ( “Identity Dysregulation”); impulsivity, drug use, promiscuity, binge-eating or shopping due to the intense emotions and feelings of emptiness; self-destructive behaviors such as sabotaging close relationships or even self-harm (the self destructive behaviors are called “Behavioral Dysregulation”); difficulty to admit fault and “projection” of fault to others; disassociation from reality under stress (and/or hallucinations) as well as incorrect perception of reality (“delusions”) (called “Cognitive Dysregulation”) ; and ultimately an extremely high rate of suicide (up to 70% of PBPDs will attempt suicide and 1 in 10 will commit suicide).
BPD can range from Mild (people with Mild BPD are considered “high-functioning”) to Severe (people with Severe BPD have trouble functioning, i.e. holding doing a job, taking care of themselves etc.).
Not all PBPDs exhibit the same symptoms and in fact, there is great variation of how BPD manifests in different people.
BPD is a serious and dangerous condition and one of the four “Cluster B” Personality Disorders (Antisocial, Narcissistic, Borderline, and Histrionic) that are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior. It is imperative that PBPDs receive professional treatment.
Unfortunately, many psychologists appear to lack to skills to properly diagnose BPD and it is often misdiagnosed or even left undiagnosed. To make matters worse, because of Interpersonal Dysregulation (PBPDs will hate those they trust and depend on), PBPDs have a reputation of being notoriously difficult patients and many psychologists outright refuse to treat them, so it can be difficult to find a treating psychologist. Besides Dialectical Behavior Therapy which is absolutely necessary, it is said that yoga, meditation and breath-work can help manage the intensity of the BPD emotions.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–5) lists 9 easy to spot BPD behaviors. A psychologist will diagnose someone with BPD if at least 5 of those 9 behaviors are spotted. Laypersons should not use the DSM-5 in attempting to understand BPD; it is a tool for professionals used for the limited purpose of diagnosis and NOT a full description of BPD. Furthermore, there have been several recommendations in updating the DSM in regards to BPD based on our updated understanding of BPD.
It is also important for the loved ones and former loved ones of PBPDs to seek help for themselves. The trauma of suddenly being treated in a horrible way by a loved one and losing them for no apparent reason often causes PTSD and/or other mental health issues. For this reason, people who have been through a relationship with a PBPD are often called BPD survivors.
Once someone is aware of what BPD is, it is relative easy to spot due to the intensity of the interpersonal relationships and the sudden devaluations that follow. It is through these interpersonal relationships that high functioning PBPDs often realize that a problem exists.
As someone who has both friends and family with this disorder, the last thing you should do is either avoid or leave their side. Not much is known entirely about personality disorder, so your partner may be feeling at a loss of what's going on or completely unsure of themselves. If your brother or sister or closest friend had depression and was contemplating suicide, what would be your reaction? You would immediately try to convince them otherwise and remind them of everything good in their lives. That is what you should focus on while supporting her in finding the help that she deserves. We all have illnesses that we cannot control, personality disorder included.
Unless you both feel your relationship has been stressing you out and are struggling to keep it afloat, be there for her and for each other. That's one of the biggest parts of a relationship, is helping each other in times of uncertainty and difficulty. Go to her, remind her how much you care about her, and above all, tell her that you, as in both of of you, will get through this. She needs to know that she is not alone in dealing with and overcoming her illness. She will appreciate knowing that someone she loves is willing to go through treatment and any counseling that may be needed, even if it does not work out later on. She will remember that in such a rough time in her life, someone was there for her and reminded her- Hey, you got me.
I understand your thinking but it’s not valid. I went through this to but I believe it comes from the way the BPD ex makes us feel. They lead us to believe we have the issues instead of them. If we loved them enough, paid more attention to them things would of worked. But it’s never enough. You need to realize that you have to take care of you too. We lose ourselves in them and they become the most important thing at the sake of destroying ourselves to help them. We can’t fix them, we won’t make them better and we’ll become as messed up as they are in the process. Getting out is the only answer sometimes. It isn’t selfish or mean. It’s survival. You did what you had too. They’ll be fine they’ll move on quick enough. You will heal and have a better life.
I have been on quora for only a month or so and I am blown away by the hostility people have towards others with BPD. I’m not sure if I am an anomaly or something … or maybe I’m delusional? But I am nothing like what these people describe. I do not intentionally set out to hurt anyone. In fact, it’s the exact opposite….
I lie sometimes because I truly believe who I am is not good enough.
I have come to believe that I love more deeply than others because the thought of losing them crushes my heart and I can’t breathe. The pain is too difficult to bear.
I give so much of myself and I have expectations that people will give back, which rarely happens and I feel I live in a constant state of disappointment.
At times in my life when I have threatened suicide, I truly wished I had the courage to do it. The only thing that has stopped me is the perceived pain or suffering that might happen. And on a couple of occasions, looking back I realize it truly was a cry for help. Wishing that someone would love me like I love them.
I lash out in anger when I am hurt. I want the other person to feel the pain that I feel. Why don’t they care as much as I care? Why doesn’t this hurt them the way it hurts me? I don’t understand….
For a long time I believed that I was born unlovable. That something must have been truly wrong with me in order for my Mother to abandon me as a young child. I moved from place to place, never fitting in and never feeling like I belonged anywhere.
I used to drink so that I could be social. I also drank to escape the pain and to feel happy for at least a little while. I sometimes used recreational drugs for the same reasons.
I was promiscuous at times just to feel wanted. I craved the attention and I really thought that was the way to get love. I was sexually abused by my father when I was 7 years old and also date raped by my sister’s boyfriend and his friend when I was 17. This obviously distorted my views on sexual intimacy.
I cancel plans last minute because I spend all week worrying about it and as a result, I end up talking myself out of it. Other times I cancel because I look disgusting. Everything makes me look fat or ugly. My hair cut is atrocious. I loathe myself and it shines outwards. I hide this with a fake sense of confidence because someone once told me “You gotta fake it till you make it.” I still wonder how long until I make it…?
I constantly worry that people don’t like me. I say dumb things and I’m not articulate like they are. Only lately I have been asking myself whether I even like them or not?
I find myself hesitant to form relationships with people because I’m scared of being hurt again. Every man I have been with always takes me for granted. They take and take never giving back. Only recently have I realized that if you lie in front of a door with a large sign saying “Welcome”, people tend to wipe their feet on you as they breeze on by….
Maybe I am screwed up and something is wrong with the way I think. But never in all my life have I personally set out to destroy another. I just want someone to love me as much as I love them. I guess that is impossible and I’m hoping with the help of therapy, one day I will understand why…. because I don’t want to live the rest of my life with this constant hurt in my chest or worse the feeling of emptiness that comes when I can no longer cope with the pain.
In my opinion, if you want to know if someone has BPD, just look for the pain in their eyes. The eyes never lie…
Rebecca
Edit - March 20, 2019 - The main objective of this post was not to make excuses for my actions or behaviors but merely to show that the “intent to harm another” is not there, as many people on Quora have eluded to.
Update
- July 9, 2019 - in the past 4 months I have grown a lot in my views. I realize now that I was letting people have power over me. My moods were affected by how others felt about me and they changed from one moment to the next as a result. Recently I have learned a couple of valuable lessons:
#1 - I do not need the validation of others in order to feel good about myself and I can be my own best friend. Sometimes being alone is okay and not everyone is going to love me.
#2- I am not responsible for fixing everyone’s problems and I do not need to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I only need to concentrate on finding peace within myself and not let other peoples chaos affect my emotional well being.
#3 - My needs matter. I am important too and I need to look after myself more. I need to put my mental health first. If I’m not doing well then how can I expect to help others?
#4 - I am learning to love without expectation. If people love me great. If not, I’ll love them anyway and wish them well. My happiness does not depend on it. (This is a work in progress. Easier said then done)
And lastly, #5 - I’m learning to be grateful for the simple things like the breath in my lungs, food in the fridge and a roof over my head. I have a lot to be thankful for.
Most of these responses are from people who do not have bpd. I have bpd and I consider myself high functioning as I am very aware of why I do the things I do. People who have had experiences with untreated borderlines describe them as near psychopathic and say we can’t actually love which is completely false. I have had bad relationships but the problems came from two sides, I was able to acknowledge mine and try to fix the problems my disorder was causing but often my emotions were simply to intense for them. I love like most people do except I feel it very strongly. My emotions are on constant overdrive and take constant regulating which with therapy I can do. A key part of the disorder is a fear of abandonment and a term called splitting is often responsible for cutting people off. I have a friend who I care very deeply for but at one stage I wasn’t handling my disorder well in my senior year of high school. She was being distant and would always be on her phone and not say much to me or would often leave school without telling me and it ended up with me feeling abandoned and alone when I just wanted a friend to listen to me or at the very least be there. One day I was upset and went to see her but she was on the phone to someone and although my rational brain knew that she was just busy my emotional brain immediately screamed at me that she was abandoning me. As a defence mechanism it was like my emotions shut down and that is where black and white thinking comes in. I had always seen her as good and now it was the opposite. It felt like I didn’t have any love left for her but I knew that wasn’t true. It took effort on my part but I made sure to keep my emotions to myself and to stop myself from lashing out and hurting her. I allowed myself quite a bit of time for my emotions to calm down and we are still good friends. Yet for a brief amount of time I still cut her off in a bad attempt to protect myself from abandonment which is nonsensical but to a borderline it is a defence mechanism. We don’t consciously cut it off with people we love, our emotions override our reasons. We do feel genuine love for people but it is so intense we do things that we regret and without treatment borderlines can be very toxic people, most of the time they don’t realise they are. If a borderline cuts off someone they love they are fearing abandonment or they have overanalysed something small and have doubts. Despite what people say the love is genuine and we do not want to be like this. However I do admit we can find cutting people off easy, especially if they give us a good reason to but unfortunately in my case I switch rapidly between the black and the white so it is a go away please don’t leave me type of situation but I am in therapy so I can have healthy functioning relationships with family and friends which I do have. For any borderline reading this IT IS POSSIBLE.
This is not a healthy relationship in any way shape or form.
There is no love to be found,just drama & chaos.
This person perpetually hates you.
You shouldn't love someone who abuses you,if you do….then you have to ask yourself What the fuck is that about?
You want to keep your sanity.
You can't be yourself or make independent decisions without drama.
You want control of your life back.
You will go fucking broke.
This person needs to be taught consequences for their behaviors.
Watch this video,it's 4 minutes……
https://youtu.be/S2-9QSf7ruM
It’s a feeling that you are about the worst person in the whole world. You become utterly worthless to the person with BPD. With my ex-wife with BPD it usually occurred when she perceived that I favored someone else’s feelings or interests over hers. And perceived is the key word. They only have to think it; it doesn’t have to really be true. It is a feeling that they have been betrayed. Those with BPD are hyper sensitive to any slights or to any favoritism their partner might be showing to others. Many times the partner is just trying to be accommodating and show generosity to friends or other members of their family. But the BPD individual sees it as someone else being given priority over them by the person who is suppose to always put them first.
And when demonized you suddenly become the worst and most hated person on earth to the pwBPD. Their contempt for you is totally undeserved, but it makes no difference. They don’t need justification because they are just acting on their feelings. And to them, those feelings are real and they are off-the-chart intense. Reasoning with them is impossible. You have betrayed them; you have damaged their trust; you are now dirt to them. And it won’t matter how good you have been to them over the years because pwBPD don’t know how to build and develop trust and confidence in their relationships. Their relationships are never brick houses build on solid foundations. But instead they are stick houses built on shifting sand. If untreated, you only matter to them as their current feelings dictate and nothing more.
